...ON THE LOOSE....NEEDING TO LOOSEN UP!

What a relief to be on this side of the week!

Troubles abounded and workouts were zilch!

However....I did get to do some abdominal work, keeping that section on notice just before 'blacking out' most nights from mere emotional and mental exhaustion....

On the positive side: I've been really encouraged by the 'loose fitting' of some of my clothes!

YES!!!!!

It's happening...deep down there...something is going on! I do find it funny that although most of my workouts have been focused on my midsection, it's actually my legs and shoulder area that are showing the quickest results! No matter...I will continue until I get that middle bit right!



I must add that my nightmare week did end with many miracles! God is amazing...He really does turn our mourning to laughter and never misses a thing!

My husband ended up booking me into the Stamford at the Airport for a night...to take some time on my own...to take a breather...and OH BOY...it took my breath away!

My room had the most awesome view of Botany Bay and both the Domestic and International Airports...Now...the significance of this goes back a loooong way...my dad was in the Peruvian Air Force and since I lost him when I was only one, I have always had this love of being near planes! So here I was...graced with being spoiled and nestled in a place that gave me a sense of security and peace! I was like a kid at the candy store...sat there and just took it all in! It was such a great experience!

Now....4 weeks ago when I started the exercise commitment I had spent many years with a 'supposed' stress related anxiety and claustrophobia that I could not shake off...couldn't be in enclosed areas (like elevators..a no no) or even situations that put me in a place that I could not control...my throat would grow dry and I would get a desperation to swallow, which it seemed I just couldn't do! That brought on panic...feelings of faint...like I was dying!

Now....here I was...4 weeks on...having begun to confront an old enemy of mine that has played me for a FAILURE for soooo many years (that is, my inability to get myself in shape...to be a healthier me..to take control of my body!) Never thought or gave this area of my life so much significance but you know what, the damage WAS being done!...

Now, here I was on the 11th floor!

No panic!

No stress... DESPITE the nightmare week!

Just a sense of awe!

Thanking God for his healing and my awesome family and friends who have been helping me thru this!

And guess what! The hotel had a gym!!!!!

Although I really did not feel like exercising...I did get myself down there and did some walking on the treadmill and workouts on three other machines! Any other time this would have been an exercise dream! There was even a pool, a spa.. a sauna...could have done so much...but there were other things that God was dealing with in me that were just as important!

I found it really hard to relax completely...kept feeling guilty about not having the kids and hubby enjoying this experience with me! Go figure....that's a mother for you!

In the end, I walked away with many a revelation that I think was important for my continued success in Operation Fitness for my life....I even thank God for letting the things that did happen last week happen because they were trying to lead me to realizing that somewhere along the line with the guilt and personal failure regarding my self-esteem and perception, I had lost my joy! My zest for life! My joie de vie!

Where did it go?

I don't know!

When did I lose it?

I didn't THINK it was missing!

But it is now obvious....I have to loosen up!

I have to forgive myself for my failings and get back on the starting mark and run the race with renewed strength, outlook and vision!

It's the sense of failure and accompanying regrets, frustration and anger that have left me empty...thinking I could never be what I really wanted to be ....which at its most basic level...is happy and give my family a happy life!

I've been, in real fact, alienating myself on many levels because I was out of control and felt deep down that I could do nothing about it! I've been contradicting the very foundations of what I have wanted to achieve in my life! And I've been sending the wrong messages! Confusing those I love the most, without even realizing it....because of ...shame! Shame from my own failure in this...a failure which I could not hide or even cover up!

This failure and anger does not belong to me and it's time

to get rid of it too, just like the fat! I don't want it!

This weeks goals:

1. To continue the ab workouts and tae bo training

2. To initiate an ongoing workout for more laughter and joy in all areas of my life!

To loosen up just as my clothes are loosening up... as the fat gives way...now its time for the disappointments and failures to give way and let the new Julie emerge!

Have a great workout week....and don't forget to get rid of the 'failure' mentality wherever and if ever it rears it's ugly head!

God bless!